Negative Thought Loops

And how to release them

I see a lot of founders struggling with negative thought loops. These are narratives we’ve repeated to ourselves so many times that we lost sight of the original source (spoiler alert: it usually wasn’t us). Examples are “I didn’t accomplish enough today” and “I’m not doing a good job as CEO.” At some point in time we gained some benefit from these narratives - they drove us to push ourselves further and harder - and now we’ve come to realize they are no longer serving us. So, what do we do about them?

Source

I’ve talked to dozens of founders about where this narrative comes from and gained some interesting insights. We aren’t born telling ourselves that we aren’t accomplishing enough; babies don’t have a narrative of negative self-talk. Typically these narratives come from our upbringing: our parents or caregivers, or messages we’ve taken on from the culture we grew up in or society at large.

Immigrant parents can instill the values of hard work, and when pushed too far, the message can come out as “you always must do more / you have never done enough.” This can wreak damage to our psyche, even though it came from a place of love and protection. Founders who are from underrepresented backgrounds in executive leadership and tech may have internalized the story that they’ll have to work twice as hard to succeed, which can create a drumbeat of “I must always do more.”

If you are able to recognize that the original source of this narrative wasn’t you, it can help create a bit of distance from the narrative. It was something you learned, and it can be unlearned. Sometimes the narrative can feel baked into our identity if it’s been with us for a long, long time. And when the narrative is part of our identity and we have negative feelings towards it, we now have negative feelings towards ourselves. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Creating distance between yourself and the negative narrative (it came from somewhere else) can help you introduce a bit of compassion towards yourself. Self-compassion is the antidote to negative self-talk.

Curiosity

Another lens I’ll invite founders to apply is one of curiosity: how have these narratives served me? Often the gut response is “they haven’t” or “they aren’t,” but I’ll encourage founders to dig a little deeper. Usually this narrative comes from somewhere else but perpetuates because it has served you. Upon exploration, you may find that the narrative has helped push you to accomplish some of the feats on your resume that most people wouldn’t dream of. The purpose of this curiosity is to build a bit more compassion for yourself here. No, the narrative did not come from you, yes, you have perpetuated it, AND you did so because it benefitted you in some ways. Even if it is no longer net beneficial.

These are neuroplastic pathways that are well-worn at this point. Just because you’ve decided they no longer serve you doesn’t mean they go away overnight. Often in the desire to “be rid” of them, founders shame themselves further for having them, again, perpetuating the self-hate cycle. So, we’re attempting to build compassion all along the journey here, and curiosity will be a helpful companion.

Triggers

Start to notice what triggers tend to bring on your negative narratives. When are they most potent? What can I do to lessen the potency?

One founder I supported noticed that her negative self-talk of “I haven’t done enough today” was strongest on Mondays. Mondays were the days she spent a few hours talking to her co-founder and planning rather than coding. She was measuring her output in lines of code and features shipped. Even though, as a pre-PMF founder, “success” on a daily basis looks more like a blend of talking to potential customers, talking to her co-founder, and shipping MVPs. One tactic to lessen the potency of the story “I haven’t done enough” was for her to measure “enough” with the right measurement system. Since Mondays were the days they huddled up and ideated, simply spending the time doing that is the right set of tasks, and she had done what she should be doing just by accomplishing those things.

Another founder I supported had a frequent narrative in his head that he wasn’t doing a good job as CEO. When we explored the places this most frequently came up, he noticed he was most likely to second-guess his decisions in one particular area of his business. This was an area of his business where his father had run a previous company, and would often pry and question his son’s decisions, saying things like “you don’t know this industry,” “you are inexperienced,” and “I know this better than you.” Once the founder noticed this trend, he became aware that his story of “not doing a good job” wasn’t his and was able to hold it with more compassion.

Build an evidence sheet

The founders who have these negative self-talk narratives also know that they aren’t 100% true. They haven’t been able to release themselves completely from the thought patterns, but they have at least some glimmer of evidence that they are doing the right things each day and are doing a good job as CEO. When you are not already in a negative loop, build an evidence sheet with pieces of evidence that counter your negative narrative. You don’t yet have to believe your negative narrative is 100% wrong; it is enough to believe it isn’t 100% right and to build the case against it.

Just find the pieces of evidence that you might actually be doing a good job, you might actually be good at what you are doing, you might actually be doing just the right things, or enough of the right things. If you are in the earliest stages and pre-product market fit and you are taking the right actions most days based on the best advice you have - from YC, from other successful founders, etc., and you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing it right. If you have traction, PMF, etc., build your evidence sheet to list all the things you did that turned out to be right. When you lapse back into negative thought patterns, take a look at this sheet.

Create a daily practice

It isn’t enough to just look at the counter-evidence of your negative thought patterns when they’ve already hit hard. If you’re deep in a negative spiral, looking at an evidence sheet you wrote when you were in a positive mood is going to feel irrelevant.

You also want to cultivate a positive narrative so your brain can start to amplify it and retrain your neural pathways. Since folks who are have a history of negative self-talk tend to lean towards negativity more often than not, it can be helpful to set a daily reminder to focus on the positive. At a set time each day (use a calendar reminder or alarm on your phone), notice three things that went well as a result of your actions in the last 24 hours, or three things you did well. They can be small. “I did exactly what was on my to-do list” is a great one. “I heard the perspective of an employee who disagreed with my decision with compassion and calmness, while holding firm on my decision,” could be another. Write down the three things each day. It should take less than five minutes.

Compassion

Lastly, hold yourself in this process with as much compassion as you can, knowing that you won’t always even be able to drum up compassion. Sometimes the negative thoughts will simply overwhelm your capacity to be compassionate to yourself, and that’s ok. It’s a journey.

On the days when the negative thoughts come on, welcome them in. Recognize they have served you for a long time. There’s no need to fight them. They’ve helped you get this far, and they’ve actually served you tremendously well. Get curious if they’ve got something left to tell you that you haven’t listened to you. Hold them with compassion.

Now that you no longer need them, they’ll start to get the message and step back little by little. But there’s no need to rush this process. When you are able to fully welcome them with a seat at the table and love, you might just find they won’t even bother to pull up a chair.

Support

If this resonates and you’d like support releasing negative thought loops, feel free to reach out. When I have capacity, I offer 90-min coaching deep-dives to YC founders. lunarayemail@gmail.com